


Sad Clown

by strixus



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-28
Updated: 2009-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-05 09:04:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strixus/pseuds/strixus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look at the lives of the boys after the war, that isn't through rose colored glasses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sad Clown

**Author's Note:**

> Song by Sarah McLachlan

a time so haunting moonlight in the mist  
lay me down Beside you oh as long as it lasts  
from the river comes a figure drifting slowly by  
trailing long the water, leaving softer than a sigh  
softer than a sigh

"Stop calling me, Relena." Heero growled at the video phone.

"Why? I thought you liked hearing from me, Heero." She said in a fawning, girlish way, her voice rising in pitch slightly, grating on Heero's nerves.

"Not at four in the morning, I don't." He glared at her.

"You were awake, weren't you," She giggled, tossing her head flirtatiously. "And you always are so happy to see me. I thought maybe you'd want to go out tomorrow."

"No, Relena, I don't. Just like the thousand other times you've asked me. No I don't want to go out." Heero tried to keep his voice clam and level.

"Why don't you want to go out?" She looked deeply hurt. "I thought…I thought you loved me…"

"No, Relena. I don't. I tell you this every time."

"But… but…" She started to cry. "Why don't you love me any more?" She wailed.   
"I never have, Relena. You think I do, but I don't." Heero frowned, and tried to rage at the crying girl.

"Oh… Heero…" She sobbed, looking purposefully pitiful.

"This isn't going to work, Relena." Heero said. "I'm hanging up now."

Suddenly her tears were forgotten. "Don't you dare, Heero Yui, don't you hang up on me. You're mine Heero! Mine!"

Heero let her rant for another few seconds, and then simply said goodbye, and thumbed to disconnect switch on the video phone's base. He sat back on the couch, and held his head in his hands.

"It was the bitch again, wasn't it?" Trowa had come through the bedroom door, and stood leaning against the doorframe, looking at Heero.

"I wish you wouldn't call her that." Heero sighed without looking up. Trowa shrugged and walked over and sat down beside Heero. He put his arm around Heero's shoulders, and pulled him close.   
"I'm sorry. I wish she would just leave you alone." He ran his fingers through the wild mop of Heero's hair. "I'd say you should put out a restraining order against her, but for who she is."

"God the media fiasco that would cause," Heero sighed. "I hate doing that to her every time."

"I know," Trowa said, trying to sound comforting. "Come on, let's go back to bed. You need sleep." Trowa kissed the top of Heero's head.

Heero smiled weakly. "Only if you promise to make sure I get back to sleep."

Trowa smiled impishly. "Gladly."

all the feelings they remain like a still life  
a dying swan song forever lost your cries of glory

the rain is falling down like silence in a shroud  
when all that really matters left to lose  
i'm all alone  
i'm all alone

Wufei stared at the wall screen, his mind at first barely registering the images on the screen beyond the shifting color and noise. He paid little attention to what was on any more, only had it on as something to distract him from his inner thoughts. What snapped him back into paying attention was the recognition of a face.

Quatre was being interviewed about something, Wufei couldn't figure out what, but he was joking with the reporter about it in his usual good natured way. He seemed happy, still as well off as ever, without a concern in the world except for what the interviewer was asking him about, and even that didn't seem to bother him too much.

How happy he looks, Wufei thought. How can he be so happy? The world hurts so much.  
Wufei turned off the wall screen - he couldn't stand looking at it any longer – and rolled over in bed. He tried to sleep, but found, like so many times, he couldn't. He slept now when he was doing nothing else, often waking up not realizing he had fallen asleep, yet when he sought sleep he never found it, only a continuation of painful waking awareness.  
He hadn't gotten out of bed except to eat and relieve himself for nearly two months, and even those two activities nearly drained him beyond doing. Four months ago, he had quit his job at the Preventer agency, unable to cope with it any longer, with the thought that he just needed a vacation. Instead, the despair that had been looming over his life had overwhelmed him and crushed him, destroying him. And sure, there had been a few perfunctory calls from Sally when he had first quit, but those had eventually stopped too. For the entire world cared, Wufei Chang didn't exist any more.

I can't go on like this for much longer, he thought to himself, staring at the black wall beside the bed. Something is going to have to give, and oh, my darling Nataku forgive me, I am so afraid it will be me.   
His eyes focused on something lying on the floor beside the bed suddenly, half hidden in the strewn piles of clothing, food plates, and pizza boxes that he had not had the will to clean up. The medium caliber hand gun laid strewn half under a sock, seemingly looking up at him. When did I move that there, he wondered absently for a moment, looking at it with the sort of mixed horror and wonder of someone seeing a poisonous snake for the fist time in the wild.

And then a though bubble crystallized in his mind, suddenly lucid and awake. Wufei curled up, pulling his knees to his chest as he lay on his side, and he started to laugh. He kept laughing until the laughter degenerated into sobs.

Sometime, late into the night, one of the neighbors called the police, saying they had heard a gunshot somewhere in the building.

all the feelings they remain like a still life  
a dying swan song forever lost your cries of glory  
walking from the shadows, a fear of sadness grows  
your heart is in your hand your knowing looks

"Are you sure about this, Quatre?" Duo looked across the shuttle cockpit at the blond young man. "Remember the last time you went back to Earth..."

"Things are much more politically stable now, Duo, you know that." Quatre shrugged. "Besides, I have to go. If anyone else goes to represent the family interests in the new economic treaty, it would be seen as an insult."

"And what if those anti-terraforming idiots try to kill you again?" Duo frowned.

"They have been, well, taken care of." Quatre said, looking out the side window at the blackness beyond. "Arrangements were made with their backers shortly after the incident. They won't try anything like that again."

"In other words, you bribed the people giving them money to keep them off your back." Duo said with a feral grin.

"In not so many words, yes." Quatre sighed. "If this is what it takes to give humanity another chance, then so be it." Quatre gazed out the window, watching the blue glow of earth slide slowly into view as the shuttle began lining up for its descent orbit. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing, Duo?" Quatre asked, looking out still.

Startled, Duo wasn't sure how to answer. "Yeah, I guess. Living on Mars would certainly be allot better than living in those crumbling, underpowered colonies. And allot of people will have better lives when the relocations happen." Duo looked over at Quatre anxiously.

"That wasn't what I meant, Duo. Do you think spending my life like this, working so hard, giving away so much of my time and money..." Quatre sighed deeply. "I don't have anything in my life for myself anymore, it feels like. Whatever I have, I give away, and I think in all the selflessness, I've lost myself."

Duo pondered for a moment. "Maybe you need to take some time for yourself, Quatre. When all of the negotiations are over, why don't you and I go take a vacation somewhere on Earth?" Duo smiled his contagious catlike grin. "You sound like you need some time to rest."

Quatre only nodded slightly, then sighed and shook his head. "But it just feels like there is so much I should be doing. How could I possibly take a vacation when there are so many people depending on this project?"

"You're only one man, Quatre. You can't solve the world's problems, at least not all of them." Duo reached over and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "And you certainly can't help them if you run yourself to death from exhaustion and stress."

Quatre shook his head again. "No, you're right. I can't solve all the world's problems. But dear god," Quatre looked out at the rapidly growing sphere of earth, "sometimes I feel like I have to, or I'll never sleep another peaceful night."

Duo could say nothing that felt right in response, and sat watching as Quatre wiped the rim of tears from his eyes.

 

our time is gone  
my time is gone  
swan's dying song


End file.
